I Just Don't Want To

My grandson's teacher emailed me regarding his stubbornness and refusal to complete his Phonics classwork. He chose to accept punishment and miss out on the afternoon's fun activities instead of completing the in class work assigned to him. When I asked him about the reason and what it was about Phonics that led him to not participate, he simply replied, "I just did not want to."

I was kind of jealous. Yeah, I know that sounds weird but what I mean is that in his little six year old mind he believed that simply saying "I just don't want to" would make everything okay and he continue his day without any consequences. He believed things could be that simple. For a few selfish moments, I wished I could think and say the same thing - "I just don't want to" - and have everything continue smoothly.

I could think of so many times when I just did not want to. When my son was going to boot camp to become a Marine, knowing I would not see or even talk to him for three months then uncertain where life would carry him afterwards, I just did not want to say goodbye. Or when my daughter was diagnosed with kidney failure and would need a kidney transplant to live, I just did not want to accept that diagnosis. Many of us can say there were times in our lives where the circumstances were so hard or even devastating that we just did not want to go on.

Let's forget about the life altering events that have made us want to shrink back, retreat and surrender. What about life. Just daily living. Because, as people often say these days, life just keeps lifing and sometimes it's hard to catch your breath. There are endless schedules for work, family, children's activities, church events, and if you're married, you have to find time for a date night. There are countless lists that never get finished because there's never enough time to focus on one thing completely. Everyone you meet is exhausted, rushing from one thing to another, experiencing the same busy life as you are.

Then there are the curve-balls which may not even be big things but you just want to say "I cannot take something else Lord!" If we could only just stop and say "I just don't want to." Refuse to continue—no schedules, no lists, no hectic life of constant activity. If only we could fold our arms and say "No" while remaining in one place, just like my grandson did. Not doing it today.

King David never had any shame in telling the Lord when he was tired, exhausted and did not want to go on. In Psalm 143: 6-7 he says; I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don’t turn away from me, or I will die.

Biblical scholars are not sure whether it was Saul or his own son's betrayal during this time that caused him to write this because David's life had so many ups and downs just like we do. He was a man after God's own heart yet he sinned and fell into periods like this one where he lost hope and was caught in paralyzing fear and depression that made him feel like he was going to die. But he did what we should all do, he came to the Lord with those agonizing feelings even if they sounded terrible coming out of his mouth.

At times, it's our sense of guilt over needing to be thankful for our blessings and not complaining to the Lord that prevents us from expressing our true feelings to Him. The Lord has delivered me from so much that I have felt it's wrong to grumble about being exhausted from a long day at work and still having household duties when I get home. How can I feel tired when I was a single mother for so long, and now I have a husband who supports me? How can I be frustrated when everyone is healthy now, unlike when I had a child suffering from kidney failure? And I often find myself comparing my situation to others who are worse off than I am. How can I be so grumpy when others have so much more to deal with?

The enemy works that way though. Taking those moments when we should be reaching out to the Lord and twisting them in any way he can so we stop ourselves from doing so.

However, every relationship is founded on trust, and our relationship with the Lord should be the most significant one in our lives. We need to trust Him with our feelings of being down in the darkness no matter how dark they are. While it's important to be grateful for what we have, it's also perfectly okay to experience days when we feel angry, sad, frustrated, and tired. It's okay to express these feelings to God. It's not as if He is doesn't know; He simply wants us to communicate with Him about it. Even when we feel forgotten and it makes us upset, the Lord genuinely wants to understand how we feel.

In Psalm 13: 1-3, King David did just that: How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death.

David is frustrated and tired as he demands that God give him an answer as to why he has to keep suffering. We may not have enemies like David's chasing us around, but our enemies are whatever is stealing our joy. Whatever is taking our peace away. Whatever we are allowing to take control of our thoughts that is draining us. Whatever it is - bring it to the Lord and lay it at his feet. And trust Him with it.

At the end of Psalm 13: 5 - 6, David says But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

Did the enemies fall away from the beginning of the Psalm 13 to verse 5? No, most likely they did not but David, as he and the other Psalmists always did, recognized who he was complaining and crying to. David knows who he can trust his cries to and the one who can comfort him in his sorrow. The one who has and always will be good to him.

God recognizes our emotions and feelings and knows we are human. Created in His likeness, He understands the challenges we face in our flesh. He understands all of our emotions. We cannot say that He is God and is unaware of how we feel because He took human form and experienced them Himself. He felt every emotion we do, including the desire for suffering to end. In the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:42), Jesus demonstrated the same vulnerability seen in His ancestor David, sayin: Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me.

In His humanity, He openly shared His suffering, expressing His feelings in prayer. Yet, even when they weren't removed, He continued to follow God's will and sacrificed Himself for our sins. For our victory.

We are children of God and should walk, talk and carry ourselves as His children even the whining and complaining as children do. Let Him comfort us. Let Him remind of us what He brought us from and that He can do it again. He brought us out of darkness so He does not want us to sit in darkness when we are not having a good day or when bad things happen that we do not understand. He wants us to come to Him with our troubles so He can give us the strength and the peace that surpasses understanding. He is our Father, our best friend and our ultimate comforter. We just have to come to Him and lay it all at His feet. And trust Him.

So cry the ugly cry. Scream if you can scream. Let it all out like you never have before. Bring all your heartache no matter how big or how small to the Healer of our souls. The ultimate Comforter. Our Lord.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:3)